I would like to make a very serious suggestion. If your marriage is in trouble and/or you are even thinking about divorce, make yourself go through a “Divorce Care” seminar. The realities of actual divorce may motivate you to do the hard work on your marriage. No matter how painful the work on the marriage, the pain of divorce is greater…and if you have children, the pain is never ending. No one said relationships were easy, but they are worthwhile. God is our example. His relationship with us has not been easy…but apparently He thinks it’s worth it! I believe HIM on the subject of relationship!
So, please understand this post is not to debate the validity of divorce and remarriage. It’s not about accepting and/or approving divorce and remarriage. It’s about facing our society’s reality. There are some very real truths in this DVD I viewed with a friend of mine at the one Divorce Care group meeting I went to.
Video #7: New Relationships
95% of you are going to remarry, but there is a 76% failure rate of second marriages, 87% failure rate of third marriages, and 90% failure rate of fourth marriages.
The problem is entering a relationship too soon. People use the relationship as a medication.
Children are very stressful to a second marriage. You don’t cease to be a single parent even in a second marriage. It is a combustion ready to blow.
If you are not humble, not willing to serve, don’t get in a blended family.
Step children are often abused. The new husband may have a porno problem that never showed up during dating.
Avoid being a statistic!
I’ve learned from my past mistakes. No. What you learned is that you made a mistake. It’s very hard to learn what the mistakes were! Previous pain can make it very difficult to let go of control.
Someone else can make me happy. Not true.
Wait before entering a relationship! Everyone hates the answer to how long to wait.
In general, allow for one year of healing for every four years of marriage. Hard work may pare down the time, but this is a wise statistic.
If you don’t wait, you can’t heal. You either heal or get hurt again. And the hurt gets worse.
If you enter a rebound relationship and you’re not ready for it, you will have an even greater sense of failure, plus you’ll know you are hurting someone else too.
Regroup and heal before a new relationship. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, (your name), plans to prosper you….”
You are making decisions in an emotionally unstable state. It may take five years to regain stability.
Am I living more in the present? Just because you shared your past with someone and they were understanding doesn’t mean you are experiencing intimacy. Intimacy comes when sharing dreams.
Overcome any tendency to rescue or need. Choose companions, not a nurse or a doctor. Stay away from needy people.
What is my response to loneliness? Am I content with my present state? Can I be alone without being lonely? Can I live by myself happily?
Do I have a problem-solving attitude or am I in panic mode? Am I emotionally reacting to old stimuli?
Have I identified personal weaknesses? Am I working on it/them? Rebuild yourself first. Your future relationship depends on it.
How do I approach my past adversity? Am I thankful for the lessons learned? Thankful for the trial? Much wisdom is much sorrow. (Proverbs…)
Am I willing to be accountable? Find a same sex person who can come up any time and say, “Are you okay with everything? How are you doing?” Go through a counseling time. Understand what has happened to you.
If there are any feelings of hope for reconciliation with an ex-spouse, you are not ready for a new relationship. You will still feel married.
For reconciliation to work, all third persons have to be removed. Don’t even do casual relationships while waiting to see what happens to your marriage. Join a support group and be in safe relationships. The group may meet to eat out Friday and Saturday so you’re not looking for a “date” for the weekend. No coupling in the support group.
Cooperate with God. God must be God –not other people.
Is my divorce final? “Well, it’s only a piece of paper…. The marriage is over already really.” Is it? Is a car registration only a piece of paper? You’ll be arrested for a stolen car if you don’t have it…! Married people do not date.
Have you developed a personal sexual code of ethics?
Fire in the fireplace is wonderful but fire in the curtains is BAD!!
Sex in marriage is to be wonderful, but sex outside of marriage is a disaster!
Waiting for sex gives you time to find out—Do I love this person’s character?
This is foundational to a future relationship!
Second time virginity. Be the purest person you can be.
When dating, be prepared for the expectation of sex.
How well do you know the character quality of this person?
Could you be happy and successful and satisfied in your single state? We can be complete as a single person!
You’re ready for another relationship when you don’t need another relationship. God is enough.
Don’t enter a relationship out of neediness or pitifulness. Then if someone does come along it’s a sweet addition to life, not a necessity.
Evans: God will take you to where your future spouse is. God knows where the person is located. Don’t seek a spouse. Seek the Lord! Find the Lord, He’ll find the mate.
The consequences of moving too fast are painful.