Christians, Emotions, and A Word On Wounded Hearts–IHC WOW talk 2011

I’m putting several longer talks on the blog…
Again, you can scan down to the bold print to get the main points.

Christians, Emotions, and A Word On Wounded Hearts

Introductory remarks…

I know a right conception of sin has eternal consequences. Likewise, having a right conception of emotional principles can have lifelong consequences!! Our choices will send us up or down “the spiral” of life.

Ephesians 4:14 says, “that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine,…. but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ.

Through a serious crisis of trust in my mid-30’s, (and I want to say this had nothing to do with John), God allowed the sand to wash out in the foundation I’d carefully and prayerfully built. Emotionally, all I had left was my relationship with God. I had to go back to the very beginning to figure out what was true and what was not true about myself, my relationships, and my relationship with God. I had to rethink what I had learned up to that time.

The reason I feel confident about talking about emotional healing is that God led me through this process before I ever read the first book on it. Then God began bringing a book at a time into my life that affirmed and verified what I was learning. That process is still continuing. God seems to take me through a valley—then later I learn the details of what was happening.

The more I’ve learned, the more confident and comfortable I am with our theology and our doctrine. To me, our understanding of God and our relationship to Him fits together with real life. However, if our groups of conservative holiness people have a weak area, I would say it’s in the area of our emotions and in how we relate to each other.

So today I’d like to focus on the emotional part of us.

This is my thesis: I don’t believe our emotions are ever saved and sanctified. Our WILL is saved and sanctified, but our emotions have to be disciplined daily to conform to the image of Christ. Our emotions are fallen. For all of us, Christian and non-Christian, I believe emotions left to themselves are self-centered and rebellious to authority. We must learn how to discern between emotions and God’s truth and leadership!!

(My “off the top of my head” definitions:
Saved—asking forgiveness for our sins and for all the things we’ve done that have hurt God and that have built a wall between us and God. We start a love relationship with God.

Sanctified—wanting to be in a love/trust relationship with God more than anything, giving ourselves completely to God, giving Him the authority in our lives, choosing to obey Him rather than our own feelings.)

Section I Healthy emotional growth:

So first, let’s talk abut healthy emotional growth.

Lana Bateman in her book God’s Crippled Children says, “The emotionally healthy stable Christian has usually had a healthy childhood experience based on the natural progression of displayed needs met by loving caring parents. This resulted in the child’s whole personality growing into a mature being. The stable Christian is also able to perceive God from a healthy standpoint. She sees God as one who is loving, just, disciplining, forgiving and nurturing.

This true concept of God is solidified subconsciously in her mind by her mortal parents who in a small measure represented God’s character to her as she grew.

Children must have a love they can grasp in an intimate way, especially from birth to 6-8 years when the foundations of emotional stability are laid. The healthy child can be the product of a healthy Christian home or perhaps a non-Christian home who just happened upon God’s principles for the raising of a family.

The well loved child grows into a healthy adult. All three parts of the child, the emotions, the body, and the intellect grow in balance. In a pie chart, all three sections are equal.

Healthy children who grow into healthy adults are indeed blessed and are free from ever having to deal with the struggle of the inner child.” ( or what I would describe as a part of the adult that didn’t get the chance to grow up)

Section II Hindrances that block emotional growth—broken trust, faulty parenting

For many of us, though, we’ve had hindrances that have blocked parts of our growth.

Bateman also explains stunted emotional growth and wounded hearts. She says, “For emotionally healthy Christians, it is almost impossible to imagine how a believer could be tied to the past in a debilitating way. Isn’t it enough for an apparently normal human being to be saved by God’s grace and lovingly nurtured by God’s people?

The fact is…. the past can be crippling even to a Christian.

“Many family situations were often destructive or at least had one or more destructive parts. Parents worked long hours, some didn’t want children, some homes had an atmosphere of anger, violence, or sexual abuse, some homes had no semblance of love.”

Personally, I’ve learned that other people don’t have to intentionally harm us for there to be a wounded heart or an empty spot inside us. They may be honest sincere-hearted believers but from their own imperfect past or from their own wounded heart they may communicate to their children in such a way that the truth gets distorted in the child’s mind.

In the wounded heart of this child, the intellect and the body grow—but the emotions are stunted.” In a pie chart, it would look like the second diagram on your handout: (The diagrams would not copy. Picture two normal sections but the third section is very limited, very small.)

May I say it again? It has been my experience that our emotions are not saved and sanctified! Our emotions are fallen. They are self-protective and/or they want to be the boss. Through the help of the Holy Spirit, we are to discipline and conform our emotions to Christ!

I believe one of our weaknesses as a church is that we have mistakenly equated salvation and sanctification with maturity, even emotional maturity. That is just not so. Salvation, and especially sanctification, allows us to make ourselves pliable so that God can bring about maturity.

These are a few root causes of a wounded heart that came to my mind. And of course this is not exhaustive!

1. An adult who was sexually abused as a child: Especially with sexual abuse, I believe at whatever age our trust is seriously broken it seems we emotionally stop growing there. Sexual abuse strikes at the very core of your being. We have to intentionally go back, grieve our losses, and grow up again, especially in the area of trust.

2. An adult child of an alcoholic (and I’m including any drug user here) will have many wounds from the past. A first step in self care could be intentionally learning about what is typical in an alcoholic home by deliberately searching out truth through books or support groups! Have the courage to revisit the past!! You and your family will benefit from facing the truth!

These first two almost always require outside help to move forward, whether it is a wise supportive friend or a professional.

3. Emotional and/or physical abuse. Sticks and stones and words DO hurt!
They hurt deeply! And they can leave empty places in our hearts.

4. Emotional and/or physical abandonment or neglect.
When we remember that “acts of service” is one of the love languages, no wonder this leaves a
wounded heart in a child.

The next two may be connected sometimes…

5. Parents who are very busy working.
and
6. Bonding and connection that doesn’t happen.
Both of these can leave empty spots in the heart.

Characteristics of wounded hearts:

It seems a principle to me that we tend to give out what we have received. This can show itself in the “hurt people hurt people” syndrome. Wounded hearts often react in one of two ways–by hiding their hurts (however, still harming themselves) or they can lash out and harm other people. Somebody, yourself or others, always gets hurt!

Some of your wounds may be deep and long term. Others may have only experienced a brief but painful wound.

Some pain was done to us. Other pain we did to ourselves.
Some wounds came as an “act of God”—something that was totally out of our control such as disease or death or some other catastrophe.

But emotional pain is emotional pain. You feel it regardless and the healing process is the same. Deep wounds just take longer and may require the peeling off of more layers to reach the core injuries. We can’t force healing—but when the feelings come to the surface we must pay attention to them.

Wounded hearts may have more trouble loving themselves, respecting themselves, and forgiving themselves than loving, respecting, and forgiving other people!! Healthy love for yourself is not self-centeredness. Jesus Himself said we are to love our neighbor as we love ourselves! We are to have a proper healthy attitude toward ourselves that allows us to love, respect and forgive ourselves too!

You know…emotions can be so deceptive.
We can feel condemned by our emotions, overwhelmed with guilt! But so often for many it is false guilt or learned guilt!

We can feel tempted by our emotions. Emotions can make a choice or behavior feel so right or necessary and yet it can be so wrong.

Sometimes our emotions can lead us to rationalizing… “I want this therefore it is good.” or “If I want this, you also want this”…whether it is sexual abuse, inappropriate flirting, or some other behavior. Satan comes as an angel of light—but he is telling us lies.

Emotions are not our enemy—but they must be seen for what they are. They are not to be trusted for truth. They are to follow our decisions.

Please may I say this once again? Our emotions are not saved and sanctified. Our will is but not our emotions! Emotions have to be trained and even retrained, perhaps over and over!

I heard Laura Schlessinger say one time, “Good emotions follow good actions.” It may take a few minutes, a day, or even months to learn the truth God wants to teach you…but at the proper time, permanently good emotions will follow good actions. You know you grew up a little more. You know you’ve replaced a lie in your heart with truth!
(end of thought)

Now I want to warn you of some dangers. If we have any area of emotional emptiness the temptation is to meet our own needs our way or maybe to give out what was given to us!

1. Inappropriate bonding: I learned through a difficult 6-8 month’s learning time that we women feel a bond to whomever we let meet our emotional needs. Who will it be? Will it be God? Our girl friends? Oprah? A guy friend who is not a blood relative? It is not wrong to have friends—but they must stay in their proper priority circles. We must be careful of who meets our emotional needs! If you are married, do NOT let another man listen to your heartfelt pain! That is for the priority circles closer in—God, your family, a mentor, or close healthy girl friends.

2. We may impulsively abuse another person or child, especially if this was part of our childhood. It feels normal. This probably does go back to giving out what we have received. But remember God told Israel that they were NOT to oppress anyone—they were to remember they had been slaves in Egypt! They were called to break the cycle!!

3. Affairs may sound very attractive! Most affairs start because we don’t know how to ask for, or are afraid to ask for our needs to be met n our marriage relationships. It feels less risky to let an inappropriate person meet our emotional needs. Don’t allow yourself to go there even in your mind!! Affairs, emotional or physical, are incredibly destructive and painful for all involved! No one is the winner!

4. We may feel tempted to break any one of the Ten Commandments. Remember, there is always a short term benefit to the temptation—but there will be long term loss!!!

This is one dynamic to think about. When we’ve neglected a problem by avoiding it and we’ve let it build up for a long time, the temptation becomes very strong to just walk off and start over!!

This explains people’s feelings who have let relationship problems build up. They feel overwhelmed at the work that has to be done, and the temptation of “I think I’ll just start over with someone else!” becomes very strong!

This also explains someone’s mishandling of their money, especially overextending themselves and not keeping up with paying their bills. One day they decide to move away and leave it all behind, or maybe file unnecessary bankruptcy! I remember the illustrations of preachers who moved away leaving unpaid bills behind. It’s been easy to judge them…but the truth is the temptation is there in any area of “pile-up”!! We may want to run and leave it behind!

All of these potential dangers include emotions that at the moment will make the temptation feel so right or necessary but long term the choice will be so harmful and wrong!

To me, the concept that our emotions are fallen and are never saved and sanctified explains how Christians can still act ungodly at times. We can be so blindsided by the strength of our emotions and/or by an unrecognized emptiness in our heart that we FALL into temptation.

Please hear me! I am NOT making excuses. I am facing reality.

If we do fall into temptation, it’s just as true that at some point we must make a crisis decision about who we are going to listen to and/or bond to! It’s true we may have fallen into temptation, but we can’t stay there. Will we choose to continue to act on our feelings or will we obey God’s Word? Am I willing to take responsibility for my sin and apologize fully, truthfully, and personally? Am I willing to repent and repair in order to correct the injury I have done to the people who trusted me? When we do we can not only restore the original relationship, but we can also strengthen it. (March 2011 Good Housekeeping, Good Advice, p 101) I have lived this. I know it can be true!

Section III
Is there hope for healing? For change? Is there such a thing as growing up again if we missed it the first time? Yes there is. I did it. God led me back through the growing up process.

Right thinking is what changes us. It takes the daily input of truth to change.

Again!!!! Our emotions are not saved and sanctified. Just because we’ve identified with a Christian group doesn’t mean all our emotions are changed. Emotions must be conformed to Christ daily! And just like emotions can easily lead us into temptation, they can also make us want to run from the healing process!! I can’t think of a time when God wanted to teach me something that emotionally it was something I wanted to do or say. It was a terrific battle! Emotional healing comes when we choose to believe and obey God more than we want to feel safe or want to be in control. We keep God on the throne of our heart!!!

The bottom line is we simply want to be in relationship with God more than anything!

God didn’t lie to me and I’m not going to lie to you. Emotional healing is not a walk in the park. It takes every energy you have for a while—sometimes a long while! Written in the back of my Bible from my own crisis time is this statement that I learned. “Divine physical healing just “happens” without effort on our part (other than asking and believing.) But emotional healing (even divine emotional healing) requires a willful choice! It takes much effort!!”

End of thought

For my last section, I’d like to suggest some possible actions you can practice that may strengthen your heart.

1. Consistently take time for devotions and for your quiet time with God.
Being in relationship with God first of all is the way change happens in every part of our life. We can’t do deep permanent change on our own. It is through our love relationship with GOD! As we walk our healing path, we find out that God is totally trustworthy, that He will NEVER lie to us, that He cares and loves us on a level we can’t fathom!

God is not self serving, not driven to control! He is safe to identify with and He is safe to obey!

When emotions are crazy and we feel least close to God—that’s when we need His WORD the most! The habit of devotions is what has changed my life. It’s the avenue of knowing God and of having time to nurture yourself.

Those who have walked the healing path ahead of us say to have a goal of investing an hour into your quiet time each day. Read the Bible and other good material and pray for maybe 30 minutes. But then get quiet and let God speak to your heart. Listen! Journal what comes into your mind even if it’s something small. That’s what you’ll build on. For you talkers, I also know that some people process as they talk things through with a friend.

However you do it, the point is… change takes time and effort!

2. PLEASE take time to learn about the temperaments! Church leaders, use a Sunday School class or a Bible Study to help your people learn about the temperaments! Florence Littauer has a very interesting dvd or cd set that does it for you. Who am I by nature? What emotions do I need to be on guard against? Am I a peaceful or a powerful? Do I react with fear or anger? Do I tend to break down other people’s boundaries? Do I keep my own personal boundaries hidden by stuffing my feelings but then revealing them suddenly in one sweeping action such as separation and divorce!!?

Learning about the temperaments was life changing for me. I am a phlegmatic melancholy. I learned that a phlegmatic does have strengths. I’ve also been able to identify my weaknesses. Nearly all my battle grounds have been in the areas of people pleasing, procrastination and doing things the easiest way –all phlegmatic traits.

I believe many of the conflicts in our churches were often rooted in personality differences that were not understood nor valued!

If we don’t figure out and understand our past, we’ll likely repeat it!!!

3. Keep yourself in church:
The church is an institution that is in place to facilitate emotional and spiritual growth. God’s Word is taught so we can learn how to live well in spite of our changing emotions! Jesus lived well!! He felt all His feelings—yet He did not sin!!
The church is a place of hope!!

The church is a place where we can be set in a family, even if we have empty spots in our heart. We can have mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters in Christ. Even if we are alone, though people do come and go from a church, the church body is still there for us as we grow old.

Start developing those long term relationships in your chosen group now while you’re young! You will be the one to benefit all your life! There is a reason we are instructed not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together!

4. Put truth into action.
Learning healthy emotional principles is not a casual deal. It is extremely important! Somehow we tend to think when we reach physical adulthood that now we’ve matured. Physically yes, but our emotional and spiritual maturity has just begun. And we keep on learning the rest of our life! Life becomes fascinating because there is always more to learn!!

So what’s the problem then? Why do we resist growing up? Because it’s hard!!!! It seems we do have to feel our negative feelings before we can learn what God wants to teach us! The truth is we can’t change our feelings—but we can change our attitudes and our actions. Then our emotions will change.

We are to confess our faults one to another that we may be healed. However, the fear of rejection can be so strong that it feels better and safer to keep on hiding—which means no help. It is very frightening to confess failure in an area, especially to people close to us!! It’s so easy to “judge” other people or to feel “judged.”

“You’ve failed in this area…YOU are a failure!”

But that assessment is always not true. We can have a weak spot in our emotional side—but that doesn’t mean we’re not in relationship with God! We can have a problem but it may reflect our immaturity in that area, not our apostasy!

Even healthy positive change can be scary and feel very risky. We need the support of our church family and close friends!!

And 5. Talk or listen to mentors, whether it is in person, through books, or from the media.

Mentoring is done not by someone who wants to fix someone else in order to avoid their own issues—but by someone who has walked the valley before you and knows the way to take.

If we ever start running from bad emotions, we may never stop without help. Satan can drive us into bondage after bondage, addiction after addiction. Sometimes the fear we feel at the thought of facing our hurts or our past can be so great, we need someone to help us “open the door” first and say, “It’s ok. This will not harm you! I’ll stay with you!”

This is what a mentor can do for us! They can not only give us positive guidance but also help us have courage to open closed doors in our hearts.

Remember also, when we choose to be in relationship with someone else, especially in a marriage covenant, we must be willing to walk with our spouse through their wounded areas. Not assertive walking, but supportive walking. You can’t do their work for them, but you must be a part of their healing, which can mean feeling a lot of painful emotion, for you are one.

For me, the lie Satan was telling me during my time of crisis was “no man can be trusted.” My battle was…John’s a man. Can he be trusted?!!. And even though John wasn’t the one who broke my trust when I was a child or when I was in midlife…..I had to work out my fears and distrust with him. I don’t think it was easy on either of us to work our way through that five year process.

In case any of you are depressed by my talk…maybe you’re thinking, “Well, bless her heart, I had no clue she was so fragile!” You know, I really am not the same person I used to be. I AM the same person, but I’m not the same person. The same as you are the same person you were as a child…but in another way you’re not that same person today.

That’s the gift of salvation!! We have hope! God wants to mature us into Christ-likeness. As Christ conforms us to Himself—when we choose to be like Jesus more than we want to act on our emotions—we will start going up the spiral toward emotional health and wholeness, step by step. Jesus Christ is the one completely healthy person we can safely be like!! But it IS a process! We make a crisis decision to identify with Christ but then comes the training!!

If you have been blessed with healthy parents and/or grandparents and other family members who have understood and lived out healthy emotional principles in life, take time to thank them for making good choices in their lives. They have blessed you and consequently your children!

If any of you are like me and have had some empty spots…let’s find healing now so that we don’t pass on our wounds to our children. I’m doing my best to do my own growing up so that I can warn my kids of our own family weaknesses.

But as I face our weaknesses, I can also celebrate our strengths and bless my family members who have changed my life for good!!

Aren’t you glad Proverbs and Ecclesiastes are both in the Bible! Positive preventive truth. Negative looking back truth! Both have their place in teaching and helping others!

As a closing prayer today, I’d like for us to sing a song. Let God’s Word sink deep into your heart! I hope the song will be as much a blessing to you as it has been to me!

“Be Still And Know”
Verse 1 Be still and know that I am God…
Verse 2 I am the Lord that healeth thee…
Verse 3 In Thee, O Lord, I put my trust…

Resource:
God’s Crippled Children by Lana Bateman

Relationship Priority Circles

• I’ve shared this talk with a few women’s groups. I know it’s another longer post, but again try to look at it as condensed relationship material on a subject. There are some foundational truths for relationships in here. Maybe this can be another set of puzzle pieces that you can use in your relationships! I’ll try to emphasize some of the most important points in bold print in case you’re super busy right now.

Before starting to read, visualize a set of concentric circles with the innermost one being our relationship with God, then moving out with each consecutive circle representing our closest relationships to our most casual.

The concept of priority circles will give structure and guidance to our lives—and will lead to peace and happiness!!

I believe life is all about relationships! Brian Tracy said: “80% of life’s satisfaction comes from meaningful relationships.” I believe heaven is all about relationships! Satan works to destroy relationships. Nearly every temptation that is yielded to results in breaking our relationships somehow. The times of the worst pain in our lives are when relationships are broken, whether from human causes or from death.

Correct emotional knowledge is not limited to “Christianity”. Yes, God and the Bible are the source of truth in relationship knowledge—but you don’t have to be a Christian to benefit if you figure out a relationship principle on your own! If a non-Christian hits on an emotional or relational principle and acts on it—good will happen and he/she will start “up the spiral.” E. Stanley Jones says, There is “the Way” and “not the Way”. It is a moral code written in the universe. We don’t create and decide what’s to be. We discover what’s already there!” How true!!

I believe the concept of relationship priority circles is biblical.

Acts 13:46
Then Paul and Barnabas grew bold and said, “It was necessary that the Word of God should be spoken to you first; but since you reject it and judge yourselves unworthy of everlasting life, behold we turn to the Gentiles.” Paul and Barnabas needed to share with those closest to them first, and then to those further out on the priority circles.

Matthew 18:15 tells us how to correct sins and offenses against us:
Go to him and tell him his fault between you and him alone. (You don’t go tell people further out on the priority circles before resolving a problem with a particular person)

So I’d like to talk about a tool or maybe a visual picture that has come together in my mind as I’ve gotten older. It has helped me make some of my relationship decisions and looking back, it has protected me! It’s extremely simple—but it doesn’t always feel so simple when our emotions are deeply involved!! I’m not saying I’ve got this completely conquered—but I’ve been trying to use this for several years and I believe this is true.

I call it practicing our priority circles.

It seems to me that there are concentric circles of relationship in each of our lives. Each circle has its own relationship and its own intimacy level—how much you share of yourself with that person. There are innate privileges and responsibilities and boundaries assigned to each level of relationship.

I hope you’ll stay with me!! This is simple—yet practicing it can be complex!!

Think about this. I think it may be a principle that we must not share ourselves with those on the outer circles until we have shared with those on the inner circles. Even being here today can be an example of relationship priorities—I’m not sharing anything with you that I did not work through first with my husband, shared with my kids, with my extended family, with my own closest peer friends, and now with you my friends

If we women find ourselves in conflict in our relationships and decide to disregard these relationship circles, and move to one further out to get our emotional needs met, we are making a serious mistake. That is how nearly every affair gets started. And don’t think Christian women are immune!! This applies to marrieds and to singles. Ask yourself: “Am I skipping over any of my relationship priority circles in order to get my emotional needs met?” Am I enabling someone else to jump over the priority circles in their life? Am I ignoring valid relationship responsibilities? This is not about “feelings”—this is about a love of choice!

I hope you will try to understand me! Understanding priority circles is extremely important!

I see now that God has used this pattern to help me decide many questions. Do I share something with someone? Well. . . is it a resolved issue with those closer to me? Am I sharing more of myself with people on the outer circles than with those on the inner circles? How often as a young bride I talked out my frustrations and misunderstandings with a girl friend rather than with John!! Girl friends have their place and everything doesn’t have to be talked out with our husbands—but it IS a problem if we are jumping over a proper relationship circle in order to avoid vulnerability or conflict!

I’ve learned over time it is inappropriate to share with more casual friends any important thing that is being withheld from closer friends and family. Maybe a very simple illustration would be this: You’ve just found out you are pregnant! Your first impulse may be to tell the first person you meet. But if you’re wise in your relationships, you’ll make sure your husband knows first before your best girl friend, your children before other of your friends, your close family before friends at work, etc. Why? It’s an action of love and respect! People feel safe being in relationship with you because you honor that relationship!

When it’s honest revelation about ourselves though, that’s where we feel the emotional risk—the closer people are to us, the more we feel threatened by letting them know the real “me”. What if they reject me? What if they emotionally abandon me? What if my husband rejects me! My fear was, “what if I cross a line and John doesn’t love me anymore?” The depths of that fear literally paralyzed me!

This is a point I’d like to make.

Some people think that when they get saved, all their emotional needs or wounds are “saved” too, that they are forgiven, that they disappear. That is not true. When our relationship with God is mended, that can bring feelings of peace and closeness with God, but we may also have an emotional healing process to go through with people at some point in our life that is a separate process.

Also, just because we are saved, that doesn’t mean that we know everything there is to know about emotions. What feels right may not be right!! The kind of home we grew up in is what “feels” right! We must mature in the emotional and relational part of us just like the spiritual part of us has to grow and mature. It takes time and effort and intentional learning!

Emotional healing and the resolving of conflict must also follow those circles. As I’ve said, when I was about 35 yrs old, I had a pile-up of stuffed feelings. I look back now and see how God lead me along these priority circles. First, God pruned me down until all I had left was my relationship with Him, then He started working with me to change the way I handled conflict with John, then on to sharing myself with my immediate family and then friends, working from the inner circles to the outer ones.

If you will seriously think about these concepts and internalize them, they may be a guide to you sometime when your emotions are a little crazy.

So let’s start….

Our first priority circle of relationship must be with GOD.
Stephen Arterburn said in Feeding Our Appetites on p 149 “If we will fill our appetite for God first and foremost, all our other needs and appetites will be provided. It’s when God is not our #1 priority that things get out of balance.”

God is a real person. We are in a real relationship with Him.

Oscar Thompson says, “We can’t be in wrong relationship with God and be right with people! This relationship is number one!

Satan constantly tries to tempt us to put someone or something else in God’s circle in order to break our relationship with Him
.
Bob George says in Living Above Your Circumstances , “Misplaced dependencies result when a person depends on someone or something other than God for his happiness, self-worth, or meaning in life.

Misplaced dependencies can be:
Money…….drugs……alcohol……..appearance and talent…….. job or career……
spiritual experiences or feelings…….trying to perfect ourselves and others…etc.

If we follow the priority circle principle that we shouldn’t share with someone on our outer circle until we’ve shared with those on our inner circle, this would apply well to our devotions and quiet time with God. I really shouldn’t be discussing my problems with others until I’ve talked about them to God first of all. I really shouldn’t share my burdens and cares with others, until I have brought them to Jesus Christ first.   Then  He will lead me to sharing with others.

(an April 2018 update– Actually the second circle out is our relationship with ourselves!!  This is key!    I hadn’t made the connection of us having a relationship with ourselves, but it is so important and can be the “missing link” to our healing and maturity!!   We love others AS we love ourselves (in a healthy way!)!!!    This validates the importance of getting to know ourselves, of walking the healing path, of understanding proper boundaries that keep out the bad and let in the good.   This is why we are careful what we put into our minds…..!   Are we developing ourselves into a person we can “love and respect” or are we abusing ourselves!!   I think there is much more that could be said on this circle of relationship!!      But to continue on with the original post…..    )

The second circle, if you are married, is with your SPOUSE. (it seems I have the most to say on this circle!)
For those of you younger—you may have a hard time believing that older women really understand where you are in life. You know what—you never forget! Fashions may change but life itself does not change. Do you remember being a teenager? A child? We’ve not forgotten being younger either. We experienced the same basic needs, fears, and temptations that you do. We may not understand the details of your particular temptations—but we understand the emotions of the temptation!

Why is this circle so important?
James 4:5 says “… do you think that the Scripture says in vain, “The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously”?” Several years ago while working through some trust issues, I wrote this beside this verse. “This is not a bad jealousy. For instance, a wife yearns jealously to have all her husband’s love. Otherwise, the fact is she cannot give all of herself to him. Likewise, God must have our complete trust in order to reveal Himself to us.”

It’s so important for both husband and wife to keep their relationship with God in that first circle. Having given your will to God, you have already submitted yourself to His discipline, even before the fact. When it’s time to humble yourself with your spouse, it’s easier, because actually you are humbling yourself to God and obeying Him. The Holy Spirit will enable you to obey if you will ask Him!

God as the third person in a union is a good thing!!

None of us is immune to temptation! When our emotions get involved, temptation can be exceedingly strong! Around 35, I hit a critical time in our marriage. I did not know how to handle the conflict that comes with two completely different people learning to live together and after about 10 years I was feeling quite emotionally empty in some areas. The way I’d learned from my aunts to handle conflict in a marriage was not working. John had no clue because I couldn’t put it into words back then.

Satan is not a gentleman. He attacks full force when you are most vulnerable. During a particularly low emotional time, I remember being at our church, praying for our people, and in one of the few times I’ve literally sensed Satan’s voice, I heard, “Why do you do what another wife did? She got what she wanted!” An affair? I didn’t want to do wrong—but I did want this terrific emotional pain relieved—and quickly!! Immediately I heard God say, “That’s not my way…” And I had a choice to make. I willfully turned toward God… against my emotions! (And the other wife eventually backtracked and resolve their couple issues God’s way…and it worked!)

All of us have the choice of running toward God or running away from God during times of crisis. Peter ran toward God after he denied Jesus. Judas ran away from God. I believe Judas could have been as freely forgiven as Peter!

I couldn’t have said this then, but the essence of this temptation was, Who is going to be in my first and second circle? Was I going to stay in relationship with God and with John? Or was I going to try to meet my own needs my own way?

Yes, God’s way did hurt— I knew I was accepting pain when I turned toward Him—but it has proved to be a positive pain that has sent me up the spiral! The pain became less and less as God helped me to replace the misbeliefs in my thinking with His truth and start being honest with John! And rather than quick relief—it was slow growth. But it was real growth!

Kevin Leman says there are 5 ways of communicating with people: Cliches, facts, ideas/opinions, needs/feelings, and complete personal truthfulness. God help me to move to complete personal truthfulness with John—which felt terrifying to me!

Are you shocked and horrified that I would feel that level of temptation? It’s not that we are tempted—Christ was tempted in all points like we are—it’s what we do with the temptation. Do we turn toward God? Do we keep our relationships in the right priority circles?!

Also, if you are a young married, think about this …

Are you extremely close to your siblings? You may have to intentionally move them to the circle beyond your husband as a new bride. Do you depend on your dad or for me, my older brother, to do certain things? You’ve got to allow your husband to take his rightful place in your priorities! I remember shifting my priorities. As a young married couple, we had something that needed to be fixed. My first thought was, “Larry can do anything! Let’s get Larry to do it!” My second thought was realizing I had to allow John to be the man in my life now. I had to turn toward him! I had to intentionally move my brother to the next priority circle!

Oscar Thompson reminds us in Concentric Circles of Caring that “When you accept Jesus Christ’s conditions for marriage, it means that no other human is to be closer to you than your mate. If you let a close friend or relative be closer than your mate, something is radically wrong with your relationship.”

Here is another aspect of this priority circle. What if you marry, or marry into, a family who does not accept you? What if you are forced into making a choice of connecting to your H/W or your family. Knowing your relationship priority circles will help you make correct choices. (Now, please understand that I’m not talking about an abusive controlling husband who is trying to isolate his wife or about a husband who is addicted to drugs or alcohol.)

Even though the Bible says we are to honor our father and mother, it also says a man is to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. If you are forced into choosing, then it’s biblical to stay connected to your spouse. When you do so, you are laying the foundation of safety and security that a marriage requires to thrive. And often, in time, the family will follow your example of valuing your husband or wife!

Now a word on the warning side!!
Please think seriously about this! Be careful of what you watch or read, be it books, TV, DVD’s or whatever. Are you letting someone else in the intimacy circle that only you and your spouse should share? Intimacy is between two people! Anybody on a circle beyond God and your spouse is off limits when it comes to physical and emotional intimacy!! This includes daydreaming! The priority circles of God and a couple means more intimacy which fulfills our hearts. But anything beyond those two circles means less! Allowing even virtual people or personally unknown people into your spouse’s circle destroys intimacy! YOU will be the loser!! I am telling you the truth…. Beware of being robbed of God’s gift of emotional and physical intimacy with your spouse!

Focus your attention on your husband when even the smallest temptation threatens. “I wish my husband were more like_____.” No. I will love God! I will love my husband! Respect this boundary!!

I’m going back to the possible scenario of an emotionally empty woman allowing another man to meet her emotional needs. If you give into that temptation, the time will come when you will have to hurt one or the other. You will not have a choice. Who will you hurt? Either choice will be painful for you. Prevention is better than repair! Decide now to never go there!! Commit to your priority circles!!!

For me, the third priority circle would be CHILDREN.

It seems the temptation for women may be to bring the circle of children in too close. In a healthy family, children have to be on the circle just outside your husband’s. Yes, it’s appropriate for children to be our priority most of the time. But when it comes to adult relationship—you cannot bond with your children rather than bonding with your husband. It may feel very risky to work through hurts and issues with your husband. You may risk rejection, you may feel extreme vulnerability—but it’s right to bond to your husband—not your children!!!! Children cannot meet adult emotional needs!!!

Otherwise, you may be devastated when your children grow up and become independent! If you’ve not developed your relationship with your husband you may be tempted to cling to your kids and not let them grow up in a healthy way and separate from you.

On the other hand, too many men in our culture seem to put the circle of children too far out. They have put something/someone else into their child’s priority circle. Too many men are GONE. They are not investing time and energy into their family. As a result, not only are the children abandoned, but the fathers are not maturing—for maturity means we are becoming more and more trustworthy in making unselfish decisions and investing in our families. As Dan Allender says, Children Raise Parents!

I understand there are all kinds of situations. What if a husband starts doing not just hurtful, but HARMFUL things, illegal things? What if my children and I are in a stepfamily? Those situations require God’s leadership and help. Read good books, talk to trustworthy people and good counselors. But in a normal intact family, be careful to keep your husband in his proper relationship circle!

Somewhere in here to complicate things is OUR JOB AND/OR CAREER.
This is another subjective circle that has to be thought through carefully and adjusted from time to time. Jobs cannot replace our relationships—but they are necessary.

The question here is, “Can I stay in good relationship with my closer priority circles with this job/career? Can I build my relationship with God and my husband? Can I meet my children’s relationship needs with my job/career?”

Now we come to our extended family circle of PARENTS/BROTHER/SISTER.
Matthew 10:32-38 says,
. . . a man’s enemies will be those of his own household.

I had noted beside these verses, “Is this because of the strong emotional bonds we have with immediate family?” The reason our family may be our enemy is that at some point we may be very tempted to stay in relationship with them rather than in our relationship with God or with our spouse and children, if they happen to be in conflict. Who DO we love the most? Whose approval do we want more?!

Again, the truth is when we love God first of all, we’re not rejecting others. God does coming alongside us to help us genuinely love the people most important to us.

A connected circle barely beyond this one would include in-laws. This is why I’m slightly separating this circle. I’m very close with John’s sisters. The younger hardly remember me not being in their lives. And yet it is still important for me to remember that sometimes it is proper for those sisters to get together without me—it’s ok. They are sisters. I am a sister-in-law. Realizing that gives them the freedom to enjoy being sisters and I can enjoy the good times we do have together!

I think the next circle is CLOSE CHRISTIAN FRIENDS
Remember, this is not the same as the #1 circle of our relationship with God. We cannot confuse the two. Parents and children come before this circle. Therefore sometimes it is proper that the needs of our spouse or child be met before our Christian church friends. This does not mean we are rejecting GOD. An example could be a graduation that conflicts with a Sunday evening service.

However, we can’t rationalize nor be lazy. We are not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together. Why does the Bible say this? Well, here are a couple of thoughts…

Consistently meeting with the same group of church friends is like investing in a relational savings account. It grows all your life. You are making long term bonds with people. Parents in time will leave us. Children will eventually have their own life. A spouse may die. But the church friends as a group are always there to love and support you all through life. There is great value in long term friends who knew you “back when”….

This closest inner circle of friends should be the ones who challenge us to be better people and who help us reach our goals in life and in relationships. They are the ones who give us a sense of safety and security so that we can risk new experiences and can reach out to others. They should be positive enablers!

If you have an inner circle of very close Christian friends, you can survive just about anything life throws at you!! We need to know someone cares about where we are in life and what we are feeling!

The next circle is GOOD FRIENDS.
Close Christian friends are not the only friends I should have! We also need a next circle of friends—these being perhaps good friends at work, school, or neighbors, which hopefully includes many different people: believers, non-believers, different races, different church groups, etc. Good friend relationships may develop into new inner circle friends in the future.

Next is ACQUAINTANCES.
We have many acquaintances. The people who work at the places of business we shop, people we cross paths with from time to time. Sometimes we drop in someone else’s life for a moment, then drop back out. A few years ago, I sent an email to a local writer recommending the book The Introvert Advantage after she had written an article on being an introvert. It felt so very risky but in a later email, she told me how much she enjoyed it and had passed it on to her daughter, who had passed it on to people at work! I likely will never speak to her again.  I dropped in and I dropped out. We are acquaintances. 

Do we care that people are in emotional and spiritual bondage? We are not to make people like us, we’re not to “fix” them, but we are to love them and point them to Jesus Christ who loves them and died for them. HE has the answers to their problems!

Here is another circle—PETS
I believe this a relationship circle too! The question of having or not having pets, and what kind to have, is something to be worked out by individual families. This circle requires judgment calls 

But sometimes we have conflicting wants or needs. It is possible to be so attached to our pets that we put them before people. Remember! People are more important!

I am also going to say that the overall importance that our culture places on their pets’ comfort makes me uncomfortable. And this is why. The priority circle is wrong. Can I properly spend unreasonable amounts of time and money on a pet and ignore needy people not only around me but in other lands? I’m not saying pets are wrong—just keep the priority circles straight! Don’t spend on them and forget the people who need your help! BE BALANCED!

The last circle I’ve included is HOBBIES, ACTIVITIES YOU ENJOY, ETC.
Think about your everyday habits. Are those habits building and nurturing your relationships?
Are any of my enjoyments in the wrong priority circle?

Could my love for reading or watching DVD’s be taking priority over my family in any way? Am I up on Facebook until 4am? I understand that young mothers need some time of their own. Husbands are wise to understand that and give them time for themselves each week. But am I consistently cheating my husband or children out of the energy I should have for them? Who/what is most important to me? It’s not that these things are necessarily wrong—but where am I putting them in my relationship priority circles by my actions?!

(You can fill in the blank with many activity possibilities— computers, electronic games, drugs, alcohol, the news, exercise, food, etc). An activity can be neutral, or even good in itself, but can still be in the wrong priority circle!

Let me just say one thing about ANY addictions. Christians can have addictions although they may not realize it! Addictions can show up in many ways! Addictions can be anything we do emotionally without thinking of the consequences or the future. Addictions can be an out of control relationship with a “thing” or “person”, usually as a way to keep yourself distant from what you see as risky or painful in a relationship. Sometimes it’s to fill an emptiness inside or it can be an effort to cope with pain at home.

The reason addictions are so destructive is that they rob people of being in an intimate relationship with YOU! Workaholics cheat their family out of the gift of themselves! Children of alcoholics/drugs are robbed of a relationship with a parent. What a loss! A porn addiction robs a wife of emotional intimacy with a husband. A man can be robbed by a wife’s addiction of whatever kind. You may not MEAN to rob others of the gift of yourself—but the truth is, we can choose our actions but we can’t choose the consequences!

Now, isn’t that all easy to understand? The lines are drawn. The circles are there. It’s black and white.

No! No! No! You and I both know it’s not that easy!!

This is the hard part! These circles are not rigid—they are guidelines. There are no black and white answers all the time. Visualize your lines wavy to represent the give and take—you have to think of what is appropriate in this situation at this time, what should be my proper priority to the best of my knowledge—and you make the best decisions you can. This requires prayer and asking for advice from those you trust who have already been there. We have to make judgment calls. Also, this is where we must trust other people and allow them to make the best decisions they can in their lives, without second guessing them or criticizing them.

The same year that John became the director of Bible Methodist Missions, my mom’s health failed, and my two youngest were still in the process of growing up. I told someone I lived with guilt. If I was with John, I felt I should be with my mom or home with my girls. If I was at home, I felt I should be relieving my sister or be with John, If I were with Mom…well, you get the picture. But actually much of this was false guilt. The truth was, this was where I was in my life right then, and I had to make the best priority decisions I could—and I had to live with my choices. Maybe hind sight says I should have moved to Mom’s—but that would have been a huge change for our whole family. There’re always pros and cons. Continuing to live in Easley let me feel the support of all my friends during cancer surgery. I’m not sure if there was one correct answer that could have solved all my dilemmas right then. We make the best decisions we can with the knowledge that we have at the time.

How can I know if my priorities are out of order?

One author says the simplest way may be trying to remember what my husband or children or friends have complained about frequently? (or perhaps used to complain about—maybe they’ve given up!)

What makes my husband (or children) feel insecure?

Honestly ask yourself, “Do I try to please my husband or wife or is it more important to please myself?”

Remember: All aspects of relationships must follow those circles. We work from the innermost circle to the outer circles. Before our relationships with people can be worked on effectively, our relationship with God must be “right” and our heart open to Him. Our relationship with our spouse or closest friends must be priority over those further out.

I challenge you to :
Intentionally LEARN! I’ve had older ladies say to me, “You know, we didn’t have the books to read like they have today. We didn’t know to do differently.”

Take advantage of all the books out there! Somebody has spent a lot of time in learning about life and then putting what they’ve learned into book form for your benefit! You don’t have to learn everything on your own!!!

Read and learn consistently!! Whether it’s 5 minutes or 1 hour, whether it’s a book or a radio program, or a download, do something daily!! It will pay off.

Conclusion:

I hope something in this session has been meaningful to you. You may want to draw your own circles and label them on a note card according to your relationship priorities. Put them into your mind daily so that immediately they come to mind when you are faced with temptation.

Keep your relationship priorities in their proper circles!!

***

PS: I thought this was interesting…I added this from an email from Founders’ Quotes.

“There are certain social principles in human nature, from which we may draw the most solid conclusions with respect to the conduct of individuals and of communities. We love our families more than our neighbors; we love our neighbors more than our countrymen in general. The human affections, like solar heat, lose their intensity as they depart from the centre… On these principles, the attachment of the individual will be first and for ever secured by the State governments. They will be a mutual protection and support.” –Alexander Hamilton, speech at the New York Ratifying Convention, 1788

Maturity Summary

OBSERVATIONS ABOUT MATURITY SUMMARY

So often when we think of sin, we only think of the symptoms of sin in people’s lives and forget that there are inborn attitudes inside of us that we must deal with daily. How can I say this? I see no evidence that our emotions are ever saved and sanctified. Morality requires a choice. We have no choice about our emotions. Emotions are a result of our past experiences and of our fallen nature. Our will is saved and sanctified. The Holy Spirit can empower us to choose to obey God’s leadership in spite of our emotional reactions.

This is the effect of sin in our emotions, to the best of my practical assessment. All of us are subject to the emotional reactions of self-centeredness or self protectiveness or self-preservation (all names for the same feelings) and the reaction of self-management or self-rule or self-sovereignty .

How do I get across what I want you to see?!! In all three parts of our being, those two problems are what need to be conformed to the image of Christ.

I. First in our physical growth to maturity, self-centeredness and self-rule is easily seen in children.

A. Problem:
1. A child is self-centered. The world revolves around ME. (This is one reason children take divorce or abuse so personally. I must have caused it. I must be bad. They can’t see the picture of a world bigger than themselves yet.)
2. A child strives to be the powerful one. No one is going to tell me what to do!
3. A child is an emotional “taker”. (This is not wrong. Children must be invested in by adults!)

B. Parental training:
1. Start training the child to be considerate and caring of other people. (LOVE)
Teach sharing, teach manners, teach empathy, etc.
2. Teach a child to obey authority. Each obedience by the child should increase their trust in their parents. “I can and should listen to those in authority” (TRUST)
Children’s in-home experiences should teach them that it is safe and it is good to trust and obey.
3. A parent is the emotional “giver”. Our job is to earn our children’s trust in us in everything we do.

C. Satan’s devises:
1. If you don’t take care of yourself, who will?
2. Sow division between authority figures and kids.
” Don’t let anyone tell you what to do!!”
“They’re trying to use you!!”
“They don’t understand you. You are different!!”
3. Blame other people for your problems.
“It’s not my fault!”

D. Crisis of adolescence:
1. “I have head knowledge–will I put it into practice?!!”
2. “Will I start learning to be a “giver” myself?
“Do I choose to submit to authority and give my trust to others?”
“Will I start making other people more important than my interest?”
3. Who will meet the developing need for emotional intimacy? Parents and other good role models, or others who are more immature than you?
There is an emotional intimacy and trust that is appropriate for relationships with older people. There is also an appropriate development of trust with your peers. But peers can’t teach you how to grow up. They’ve not been there.

E. Results of the maturing process:
1. Able to submit to others. Conflict is handled with self control.
2. Able to became the “giver”.
3. Able to become vulnerable to people in a healthy way!

II. The effects of sin (self-protectiveness and self-sovereignty) show up in our closest love relationships.

A. Problem:
1. Our self-centeredness: we are emotional “takers.” What will this person do for me?!!
I want you to make me feel good. This also is an attitude that we may not see in ourselves until we have grown a bit.
2. Our self-rule: we often end up in “power struggles” with each other. Letting go of control can feel threatening.
3. We almost invariably blame our problems onto our spouse or close friend.
“If he/she didn’t act like that or do that, then I wouldn’t have a problem with how I respond!!”

B. Personal training in regard to love and marriage.
1. In a parent/child relationship at least there is one individual who is more mature than the other. In a marriage we have two emotionally immature people. No wonder it takes a lot of commitment to hang in there the first ten to fifteen years!!
2. These years are to be spent in earning the trust of our spouse.
3. To anyone yet unmarried, find out if your “special” person is one who is genuinely committed to growing spiritually and emotionally. If one person chooses to grow to emotional maturity and the other wants to remain an emotional teenager, there will not be the blossoming of intimacy in this marriage over the next twenty years. There will be an emptiness that does not have to be.

C. Satan’s Devises:
1. I learned early on that not only does Satan sow discord among the brethren, he does his best to sow discord between husbands and wives, between families, and between close friends.
2. Satan will also try to convince us that broken trust is inevitable. If our trust has ever been broken by a role model (or even by a peer), Satan will tell us that all people are alike. It’s only a matter of time before you are the victim or the victim again. This is another of Satan’s lies!! Broken trust can be healed and repaired. People can grow and mature!!

D. Crises in Relationships:
1. Will I let go of my demand that my spouse fills all my needs, some that only a love relationship with God can fill?
2. Will I learn how to admit my weaknesses and let my spouse’s strengths fill the void? (This is easier said than done!)
3. Will I obey God’s leadership against all emotions and give my spouse or friend the chance to earn my trust again, and again, and again, . . . With God’s help, will I stay open and vulnerable to my spouse?
4. The emotional immaturity of both partners during the first few years of married life may have left some very real barriers to intimacy that are hard to pull down. Are we willing to unlearn wrong behaviors, reactions, and/or attitudes.

E. Results of the maturing process:
1. The power struggle is over. I choose to learn how to give trust and how to hold the other person accountable–because I trust him/her.
I will allow my spouse to be responsible for their choices.
I will not be their mother or their father. They are adults who can make adult decisions and be responsible for their decisions.
2. I can reveal myself to the other person because I trust him/her.
I can be vulnerable to other people.
3. I can love unconditionally and unselfishly.

III. Likewise, in the development of our relationship with God , the problem of self-centeredness and self management is also evident.

A. Problem:
1. Our praying is frequently self-centered. O God, do this for me.
2. We want to tell God what needs to be done and how to do it. We still have a hard time letting go of control. It may take time for us to let the Holy Spirit help us see this.
3. We are born distrustful in every aspect of our beings. We must learn how to trust God.
We think God’s motives and attitudes are like ours–selfish and controlling!

B. God the Father’s discipline.
1. Discipline is not punishment!! God wants to teach us to love and trust. It does not come naturally to us!!
2. As we obey God’s guidance and commands, we learn that God is trustworthy!! This is the only way I know of to learn how to trust.
We must give God the chance to earn our trust by obeying Him before we understand why.
3. God is investing in you just like parents invest years into their children. He is earning your trust. (He came not to be ministered unto, but to minister–to be the giver.)

C. Satan’s devises:
1. He highlights people’s failures to us–especially Christians’ failures.
2. He thrusts in wedges of distrust and fear between people.
“You’ve made her mad.”
“He doesn’t like you.”
“They’ve got it in for you.”
“If your parents knew what you had done, they would disown you!”
Test God’s commands and leadership out. These are all lies.

D. Crisis of growth:
1. Will I give God my trust?
God may invest in us for years, but at some point there will come a crisis time of choosing to obey God in spite of our fallen emotions, or of giving in to our own feelings of insecurity, fear, and distrust of God.
2. Do I choose to become spiritually intimate with God? It will require vulnerability.
Conformity will not satisfy; only a living relationship with Jesus Christ will meet
our deep spiritual needs.

E. Results of maturing process:
1. First, you will thank God for every discipline and pruning that He gave you because of the end result. I don’t want to ever go back to the way I was!
2. You can trust people because you trust God first of all. He is in control of every trial and pain. Nothing comes my way except with God’s permission. (But remember God doesn’t cause every thing that happens. We do have an authentic free will! That means people can choose to use other people, too. There is a difference between what God causes and what God permits. I believe one aspect of prayer is asking God to intervene in what would be natural events. God is a redeeming God! He delights in bringing good out of what Satan meant for evil!)
3. You become vulnerable to God and to people.
4. You learn to love who God loves–people!

IV. If we “sin” (fall back into reacting emotionally with attitude of self-love or self-rule) we have an advocate with the Father . We can find forgiveness, we can forget, and keep on growing. God is so very patient with us. He never pushes us faster than we can learn,–but neither will He let us avoid the real issues!!

Catherine Horrall Parker about 1997

Authority vs Control

Thinking my way through issues…

July 28, 1995
One difference between healthy authority and unhealthy control.

The one in authority realizes he/she can be in authentic authority only as he/she is willing to submit to authority.
Sin corrupts that and causes us to want to be in control, but accountable to no one!!

This is also true in relationships. Submission is on both sides–husbands and wives each submit to the other. Control wants no accountability.

We don’t always “feel” like doing the right thing.

Journal entry
July 27, 1995
It seems like a pretty good rule of thumb that what is good for us and has good consequences is usually what we don’t emotionally feel like doing and may not want to do!!

How difficult to do the right thing when it goes against every emotion you have…especially when it comes to walking the healing path.