(A few thoughts on stages in marriage…)
This is especially directed to couples married 10-12 years or less, but I believe it’s also true for all….
Yesterday was our 42nd anniversary. These thoughts were on my mind early yesterday morning but I didn’t follow through. I may still try to post.
If I could tell younger couples anything it would be to EXPECT some serious difficulties in the second decade of marriage (35-to 45-ish years) so that you’re not blindsided and tempted to give up way too quickly!!!!
THEN even though it may be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life, give yourselves FIVE years to mature through the weak and/or wounded areas in the relationship!!! Every year won’t be as hard as the first one, but it takes TIME to retrain old habits and attitudes, to DO new truth!
It is well worth the hard work!! What is five years in the big picture of life?!!! It’s just a season! But the enemy (Satan) makes it feel like it is the forever end and couples quit because it doesn’t feel good to work on emotions, old wounds, and lies they have believed!!! They lose hope!!
Maturing love is a blessing and a gift!! Especially following the crisis season, you know yourself much better, are well on the road to unselfish care for each other, many of the boundary battles have been worked through, plus many trust issues have been recognized and healing found!
Otherwise, if you see yourself or especially see your spouse as the problem and decide to leave….you have simply delayed walking through the crisis years and will have even more painful trust issues to work through…NOT that it can’t be done!! It’s STILL worth it!!! However, the five year season will simply again be waiting for you to make better choices the next time around!
However, PROCRASTINATION in learning and practicing healthy relationship principles is like accruing interest on a credit card…the longer you wait the higher the emotional cost and the more tempted you are to not even try!! Commit to learning NOW!!
May God bring these thoughts back to the minds of you young couples if/when you face hard things!! Don’t go it alone, involve good mentors, good truth, and always with a foundation of prayer, but remember MANY of us have already been there and there IS hope and light at the end of the tunnel!!!
Stay encouraged!! Don’t quit!!! There are so many good, helpful things to learn about relationships yet!! Our anniversary has reminded me of how well worth the tackling of my deepest fears has been!!!
What if I had given up or ran away without giving us a chance, without asking God for wisdom and help??!!
P.S. Be aware that the presence of serious unacknowledged/unresolved destructive addictions in the relationship will usually require the help of a professional counselor. Nevertheless, I would think that by the end of five years you could have a sense of what direction an addicted spouse is going and make decisions accordingly. And yet, the fact is, during those five years a commitment to personal growth without the option of an “out” is very important.
Is this another one of those paradoxes in relationships??
Relationships are not always simple. We NEED the leadership of the Holy Spirit and the example/pattern of Jesus Christ always before us!!
ajournalofthejourney 