This share is a little long…. 🙂 It includes some posts on this blog that could be a starting place to help us get to know ourselves on a deeper level. And that’s a good thing.
I almost didn’t share my 2003 journal entry about finally understanding about my own core fear on a fb page. It felt a little too open. 🙂 What if that’s all my women friends remember of me?? But that really is where I was at that time and I am trying to leave a path for someone else to follow if they want….so I shared. 🙂
However, last night after going to bed with my mind still mulling over the journal entry, I realized that wasn’t the end. It’s true I was recognizing my need and I also knew I needed help. But God didn’t stop with me there. 😊
God our Father has promised to be our counselor and guide…not that He doesn’t use other people, but He will help us learn what we need to know.
For some, God uses conversations with other people, podcasts, programs or good online information, etc. Books are my language. They were my entertainment during childhood, they are how I learn now. So many times, God would bring a book across my path that spoke to me right where I was.
Here are a couple of books that helped me so much to learn what was healthy and true about who I was and why….
The first book was THE PLEASERS by Kevin Leman. Leman’s books have been very helpful to me. 😊 Even though he is writing to women, this is more than a gender thing. Temperament is also a big influence. There are men with a peaceful, “pleasing” personality just like there are powerful, controlling women. And of course, we are often attracted to each other! 😊
Leman describes five categories of pleasers. I was probably in the vicinity of a played-out pleaser during midlife. Hopefully now I am more a positive pleaser. 😊
I. Supersuffering Pleaser:
II. Depressed Pleaser:
The two above situations are pathogenic. (sick, unhealthy)
III. Played-out Pleaser: Everyone knows you can’t say no and wouldn’t dare speak up for yourself even if you wanted to.
IV. Mildly Discouraged Pleaser: Life is not as hectic as it is for the played-out pleaser, but you’d like to make some changes.
V. Positive Pleasers: Can be assertive without being abrasive, confident without being cocky, self-nurturing without being selfish. The key is to put your priorities in the right order.
One more quote from Leman:
“There is nothing wrong with being a pleaser if you can be a positive pleaser.
There is nothing wrong with being in control and being able to lead as long as you are a “caring controller” who respects the rights and feelings of others.”
The other book that God used somewhere during this time was THE DNA OF RELATIONSHIPS by Gary Smalley.
I think this first quote pretty much sums up what I’m learning:
“Life is relationships; the rest is just details. Everything in life that truly matters can be boiled down to relationships.”
Smalley also explained about our core fears. That was the puzzle piece that I needed in order to understand the bigger picture of who I am. Reading through the list, I think I have mainly one core fear. It is the underlying reason for nearly every negative reaction and/or conflict I have had with John, and there are valid reasons for it as a result of watching my aunts in their marriages. It’s the core fear of rejection and/or the fear of emotional abandonment.
Some of my other friends said they had nearly all the core fears.
Whatever our experiences, truth is what will set us free! Whether we have one or two core fears, or whether it’s several, we need to see them for what they are and how they may be affecting our relationships!!
I know I’ve shared several links before, but this is the core fears link again.
Maybe I’ll add one more topic that could be helpful….there are several posts on the blog about Life Traps from the book Reinventing Your Life. This can also be helpful material to getting to know yourself.
Life Trap #1–Abandonment
Blessings!
ajournalofthejourney 