Notes from A DOOR OF HOPE by Jan Frank
Healing emotional wounds–Isaiah 58:12 “Those from among you shall build the old waste places; You shall raise up the foundations of many generations; And you shall be called the Repairer of the Breach, the Restorer of Streets to Dwell In.
1. Raise up
2. Repair
3. Restore
STEP ONE: Face the Problem
There are many symptoms of a root problem.
Example: For a root bound plant, a gardener will break apart the roots and give it new soil. The process is painful, the plant may go into shock, but the end result is a healthy thriving plant!!!
Many well-meaning Christians treat the surface symptoms–depression, anger, marital difficulties, migraines, anxiety, eating disorders, feeling distant from God, an inability to establish close relationships, etc. instead of treating the root problem.
There are three types of victims
1. Repressed–victim has blocked out the memories.
2. Suppressed–victim has suppressed the memories, feels it has little relevance to her today.
3. Oppressed–thinks she has resolved it– “I forgive you”.
If you are a person whose internal state significantly differs from the external, you may be covering up some wounds.
Nine symptoms of an abuse experience: (Many of these are typical experiences of life. However, when they occur in combination, consider victimization)
1. Depression–state of feeling helpless.
2. Anger-– Usually misdirected, displaced onto someone or something (safer or closer)
3. Fear of the Unknown--Expect the worst? Feel intimidation, helplessness as a child.
4. Guilt/shame–Feeling of being riddled with guilt about everything.
The opposite may be a controlling personality who may deny all responsibility and hold everyone else to blame for everything except self.
Learn to recognize FALSE guilt.
5. Difficulty establishing relationships–stems from lack of trust. Unable to allow people to get too close, yet at the same time, they have a deep need to be intimately associated with people.
It is not uncommon to unknowingly sabotage relationships.
How difficult is it to trust?
Jan Frank to husband, “Every man has done me dirt. How am I to expect anything different from you?”
Husband, “You will get from me what you expect. If you expect complete faithfulness and trustworthiness, I will meet the challenge, but if you continue to mistrust and suspect me, I will probably fall victim to your expectations.”
Jan: “I made a vow that I would go against all that my experience had taught me and by faith, I would trust him implicitly. It can be done with effort!
Also spiritually–until Christians have a picture and a felt sense that God is truly good and gracious, that He can be trusted, there can be no lasting spiritual victory in their lives.
6. Repeated victimization–one of the surest ways for a victim to break this pattern is to be aware of her own victimization and begin to work through her painful past.
A victim is drawn to people and/or circumstances she thinks she deserves.
Victims choose the known.
7. Shut-off or over-control of emotions.
It is a subconscious choice that is made in order to survive by shorting-circuit emotions and not dealing with them. Through trial and error, it becomes the best way to cope.
Over-control evolves from lack of control or powerlessness.
8. Sexual problems in marriage. Many problems stem from flashbacks.
9. Poor self-image and/or low self-esteem.
This is the view the victim holds of herself. Bad things happen to bad people.
Some have difficulty accepting criticism.
Additional symptoms: migraines, eating disorders, sleep disorders.
Symptoms during the teens: promiscuity, run away, drug/alcohol abuse, overall rebelliousness.
Victims may totally withdraw from sex; they may get intimate with everyone; or they may vacillate between the two.
Why a promiscuous victim?
1. They’ve learned to tie love and sex together. In order to feel loved, they engage in sex.
2. Revenge–I’ll give to everyone else, but not to you!
Victims may test the husband in marriage–Will you love me if I never have sex with you?
Remember: It is the symptoms in combination that may indicate a traumatic past.
We must be willing to dig up the past in order to experience health in the future.
STEP II: Recount the incident
Why is it necessary to verbalize? Because internal emotional energy is stored up inside of you and needs to be released.
Most incest victims cannot immediately talk about their trauma. Instead, they hold these intense emotions surrounding the event inside and develop harmful defenses that allow them to cope with their internal pain.
What does recounting accomplish? It releases the internal pressure and the false guilt. It releases some of the emotions and brings to light that which has been hidden so long.
Do not push victims.
There is a difference between surveying the losses and dwelling in the past in a negative self-destructive way.
Incest is a product of a dysfunctional unhealthy home or set of interpersonal relationships.
An incestuous home is often isolated with little interaction with the outside environment.
Even the most minor of incidents can carry with it a profound, life-changing effect.
Children’s emotions are “in the raw”. Therefore, it is important for the victim to tap into her childlike feelings enroute to a healthy resolution.
We may “forgive” but hurts must be resolved.
Recounting allows the victim to gain momentum and gives substance to previously confusing and unexplored emotions.
It is often very painful to unlock deep intense emotions. (cp: That’s why it’s important to involve other safe mature people and a professional counselor.)
STEP III Experience the feelings (This is very important in the healing process.)
Experiencing feelings is important to anyone who has suffered an emotional hurt.
Writing about experiences and feelings of the present helps you define and label feelings from the past.
Our inner child: Those feelings and childhood longings are important, they are deserving of respect and they are separate from adult feelings.
If we continue to carry a reservoir of emotion, it eventually fills and spills over–often in uncontrollable fashion.
We can deliberately begin to (slowly) open a floodgate of feelings, releasing some of the emotions and reducing the danger of uncontrolled spillage.
Many children grow up to be needy adults in search of the love they never knew as children.
Children need healthy love.
Some women shut off anger. Some use anger to protect their vulnerability.
Truth sets us free. Truth is often painful, but it is in finding, facing, and feeling the truth that we can begin to rebuild our lives.
We are to assess the damage in order to plan wisely for future restoration.
STEP IV Establish responsibility.
If there is anything an aggressor does not need, it is a guilt-ridden victim who understands his indiscretion and assumes blame for it. Such a person needs to be called to accountability, not excused by rationalization.
A child victim is 100% free of any responsibility.
In the early stages, a victim must not rationalize away the accountability of the offender.
Why is it hard to establish responsibility?
1. Because of false guilt.
2. For fear of loss (of other relationships).
3. Because of minimizing your experiences.
“Exploration” becomes molestation when a child no longer has a choice.
Warning signs in children.
1. fear of specific persons, situations, strangers
2. nightmares
3. withdrawal—social or emotional
4. bedwetting/sleep disturbances
5. personality changes
6. loss of appetite
7. unprovoked crying spells
8. clinging to a significant adult
9. excessive washing
10. poor self-image and/or low self esteem
11. changes in type of fantasy play
12. fear of being alone
13. refusal to go to school
14. running away
15. attempt to control the environment/ fear of the unknown
16. early sexual precociousness
A combination of several (4 or more) might indicate need for concern.
Place responsibility where it belongs so that the victim can go on to realistically assume responsibility for today and her life. Many who are over-burdened with false guilt are unable to take on responsibility in life that is rightfully theirs.
STEP V Trace Behavioral Difficulties and Symptoms
Face them, trace them, and erase them.
1. Identify undesirable characteristics that are predominate in our relating with others.
2. Trace them back to when and where they originated in our lives.
3. Set about a disciplined approach to erase those unhealthy patterns.
Tracing— Instead of reacting to the past, we respond to the present!
Three Step Plan: (cp Very true)
1. Look at the circumstance that triggers the undesirable behavior.
2. When that circumstance arises again, we make a new choice by avoiding our old responses and replacing them with new healthy ones.
3. Practice. (Simple example: Learning to talk (or write) through a conflict or boundary violation instead of clamming up. cp)
Tracing is a tool used to find the origin of faulty behavior patterns. It is not a tool to excuse or justify our conduct. Take the information and map a plan of action toward change!
STEP VI Observe others and educate yourself.
1. When we experience any type of loss, we find great comfort just being in the presence of someone else who has been where we are.
2. Observing others allows us to gain insight into dealing with our specific situations.
Are we struggling with negative assumptions?
Feel unlovable?
Feel powerless?
What are our assumptions about God?
Do we see God as critical?
Is God trustworthy?
Are we suspicious of other’s motives?
Even in the midst of working through your own crisis, others besides yourself may benefit!
STEP VII Confront the Aggressor.
From the victim’s point of view, this is the hardest of all steps. (cp-I’d say to anyone…don’t stress about this step until it’s time for it. I’m a firm believer in the leadership and enablement of the Holy Spirit. God does not lead us to this until we are strong and healthy enough—not in our eyes, but when HE knows we’re strong enough!)
What is confrontation? Bring face to face.
What is our motive? Revenge? Recognition? Restoration? Reconciliation?
This is not recommended for minors or for situations whose perpetrators are outside of the family.
Confrontation is the actual placing of responsibility in the hands of its rightful owners.
“Forgive and forget” does not work. II Samuel 12:7-12 God used Nathan to confront David.
Life without confrontation is directionless, aimless, and passive. When unchallenged, human beings tend to drift, to wander, to stagnate.
Confrontation may be used as a tool to benefit the offender. It can be the means of breaking the incest pattern.
Who should be confronted? 1. The aggressor
2. the co-contributor.
Steps leading to confrontation.
1. Separation–reach a position of strength.
2. Reconstruct a new self-image. Take God at His word and accept His unconditional love for you.
You had trusted someone and were betrayed. Is God Himself trustworthy?
It takes sheer discipline of mind sometimes to hang onto God’s truth.
3. Restore a right image of God. We often have transferred negative characteristics of “father”
(or another adult) to our Heavenly Father.
4. Seek specialized counseling (as in someone who specializes in sexual abuse, etc.)
Confrontation: (cp It would be wise to seek the help of a counselor for this I think.)
Confrontation is to resolve the issues of the past and to present the problems created by incest.
How to confront:
1. Compliment
2. Confess–own wrong reactions, ask forgiveness.
3. Confront the person with the acts.
4. Commit to rebuilding the relationship.
Even if the perpetrator denies the past, it is still necessary for the victim to resolve them within herself.
Denial means the person is not interested in reconciliation.
Confrontation should be face to face. (cp For some personalities, using a letter in conjunction, perhaps? Also, actually reading something written could be a way to control tones and body language. Involve a mature third party or a counselor??)
Body language must agree with the verbal message.
STEP VIII: Acknowledge Forgiveness
Several people advised author–simply forgive and be assured that instantaneous healing of the emotions will occur. Not true!!
Forgiveness is a process. The deeper the wound, the longer the process of forgiveness.
Openness is the key to restoration.
Are we rigid and unforgiving, yet expect so much from others?
Do we try to hold onto our rights like a Pharisee and adhere to the letter of the law? Or be like Hezekiah, giving so that others can be healed, bridging the gap through intercession.
Forgiveness is four-fold. (cp I think God’s actions toward us are our pattern. He reveals His heart to us.)
1. Acknowledge or own up to the pain. In acknowledging our pain, we validate the priceless gift of forgiveness offered to the one who has hurt us.
2. Release your right to hold on to bitterness, resentment, anger, etc.
3. We must desire reconciliation.
4. We must extend to the offender an invitation to rebuild relationship through healthy expression of unconditional love and acceptance.
Many times, Christians are advised to jump to step 4. If they try to do so, they will find that acceptance is a superficial covering that hides underlying feelings which still cause pain. It is like a wound healed only on the outside. It must be healed inside out!!
STEP IX: Rebuild the Relationship-
Scripturally we are commanded to act in spite of the emotion we feel.
Often the determination to act and the act itself precipitate the appropriate emotions.
Motive is the difference between hypocrisy and acting in spite of emotion.
Josh McDowell- 3 basic emotional needs we all have:
1. Need to feel loved, accepted, and have sense of belonging.
2. Need to feel acceptable, to have sense of worthiness.
3. Need to feel adequate, with a sense of competence.
We cannot dispense in one day what it’s taken a lifetime to accumulate.
Rebuild:
Reject false notions. Locate your misbeliefs, remove them, and replace them with truth. Compare notions to the truth of God’s Word. If it contradicts, I need to reject them as false.
Many lies become so ingrained, we view them as truth.
God’s not trustworthy– why would He have allow this?
I’m a bad girl.
I’m damaged goods.
I have to be perfect to be loved.
I’m unlovable.
There’s no hope.
Cognitive restructuring– learn to value myself as I am valued by God. We cannot conjure up self-image! It must come from the truth of God’s Word.
Relationships are often shallow, reflecting our fear of rejection.
STEP X: Express Concern and Empathize With Others.
Use what was destructive in a constructive way!
We are to be channels of comfort.
Empathizing with others brings continued healing to the comforter.
Restore the years that the locust has eaten!
The recovered victim provides hope and can relate to women in a positive and subjective way.
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