“Nothing seems to evade the perceptive gaze of a young child. No matter how hard parents may try to hide certain facts or behaviors, their children usually take notice. But what the eye sees, the immature mind does not necessarily comprehend. Children see what their parents do, yet usually without any idea as to why. So they reach their own conclusions, ones which may be right or wrong.”
Perhaps no lessons come through as clearly as those we learn by watching how our parents relate to each other. As we watch our parents interact, we unavoidably come to believe certain things are true—either/or conclusions.
1. We learn either respect or contempt for the opposite gender.
One of the first things children learn is how men should treat women and how women should treat men. Youngsters simply watch and learn and absorb like little sponges, even though they may be uncomfortable as they do.
Sometimes one parent gets hurt by the other and sets out to intentionally sway the opinions of the child. Frequently this goes beyond the other parent in particular, to the other gender as a whole.
One woman’s testimony— “When my father left, I had no male role models. Listening to what my mother had to say about men, I learned they were chumps. They were fools. They do nothing but lie. They only want one thing from you. They don’t respect you if you do, they don’t respect you if you don’t. It’s a no-win situation.”
Perhaps nothing else shapes our attitudes toward members of the opposite sex more than observing how our parents relate to each other.”
2. We learn either intimacy or emotional distance
If you saw your parents hug and kiss, hold hands, and show gratitude for each other in lots of little ways, you should always count yourself fortunate. Not many people enjoy that privilege. And when we don’t see intimacy modeled by our parents, we usually find it very difficult to conceptualize emotional closeness. In lieu of true intimacy, we create our own ways of interacting.
If you never observed any emotional fondness expressed between your mother and father would you be able to open up completely and be intimate with your spouse?
3. We learn either sacrifice or selfishness
Mothers and fathers who truly care for their children willingly make whatever sacrifices may be necessary.
When Mom and Dad model an appropriate level of sacrifice, the child usually grows out of the selfish stage of childhood more quickly. But when sacrifice remains the exception rather than the rule, the child may never outgrow that selfish mode.
When one or both parents continue to cling to personal desires rather than do whatever seems best for the spouse or family, the entire family suffers because of that choice.
4. We learn either truth or hypocrisy
A couple can fool a lot of people in regard to the strength and stability of their relationship. For example, they can be fussing and fuming at home twenty minutes before church starts, but quickly don their Sunday-morning smiles as they leave the house and no one would ever suspect. But the children see. They notice the mixed messages. One woman learned there was the appearance we were supposed to keep up for others, and then there was the way we actually were.
When children become entangled in the lies and conflicts of their parents, life is never easy. They don’t want to get either one of their parents in trouble with the other, so they find themselves trying to keep up with and perpetuate the lies that the spouses are telling each other. But the long lasting result can be even more detrimental: the children become pretty good at lying in their own relationships.
5. We learn either consistency or “anything goes”
Perhaps nothing confuses a child as much as being treated differently for the same action. This is true of both positive and negative behaviors. Most children go through periods of testing, seeing how much they can get away with. When a child steps over the lines of acceptable behavior (coloring on the walls with crayon, for example) and is spanked one time, ignored another time, and given a light talking to the next, he/she doesn’t know how to interpret the difference in reactions stemming from the same behavior. Even though parents can point to very reasonable excuses why they sometimes respond differently to their children, the child never knows this. All he/she sees is the lack of consistency, which can be very puzzling indeed.
If parents do not model consistency for their children, where will they learn it? If our parents fail to demonstrate the kind of unconditional love that transcends their own immediate feelings, how are we supposed to feel? When we become parents ourselves, are we suddenly going to behave consistently with our own children?
It can be very difficult for parents to look past their own immediate concerns when a child needs their attention, but such occasions provide one of the best opportunities they will ever have to show their love. If a child begins to realize that he or she is more important than anything else in a parent’s life, that child is far along the way to developing confidence and self-worth. If not, that person will inevitably face some emotional struggles down the line.
Children naturally deal much better with consistent behavior. Of course, positive consistent behavior should be our goal as parents.
6. We learn either communication or secrecy
The failure of a husband and wife to communicate openly and honestly prevents growth in their own relationship. It also renders them unable to be truthful with others. And it causes their own children to keep secrets as well—secrets that at times can be quite harmful to their own emotional and spiritual maturity.
7. We learn either taking responsibility or assigning blame
When parents blame each other for problems in the family, the children are usually taking mental dictation. Then they use these same excuses for their own problems later in life. The more frequently they hear, “It’s all your fault.”, the more children will learn to blame others for their own failures. If they hear, “I’m sorry; I should have known better.” They see how simple it can be to take responsibility for one’s own life and actions.
8. We learn either self-confidence or guilt
Few things a father can do to a child are as devastating as instilling a sense of guilt, whether or not it is done intentionally. Children need lots of assurance from fathers and mothers—at every age—in order to develop a healthy feeling of self-confidence.
If children aren’t affirmed, they often develop a sense of doubt about themselves instead. It doesn’t take much carelessness on the part of parents before children begin to take upon themselves the blame for everything that goes wrong in the family and feel tremendous guilt. When parents get caught up in fighting between themselves, the child frequently misses out on receiving support from either one of them, much less both.
An added complication
As we look back at childhood from an adult perspective, we may find it easier to connect certain events or patterns. “So that’s where I developed my attitude toward the opposite gender, etc.” As adults we may be better able to see that many of our childish definitions were actually based on misperception. Even though we think we know the truth, we may actually be way off base.
The misperceptions we develop as children can stay with us for a long time to muddy up the waters of our adult relationships.
The nobler concepts of life—such as love, trust, maturity, and teamwork—are difficult enough for children to learn. And it can be next to impossible if these values are never modeled by their parents. You better believe that most young people are going to do exactly what they see their parents do.
Fathers and mothers are teachers. The teaching portion of the job description is not optional; it’s automatic. The past now lies behind us. But if you are a parent, you can still make adjustments in how and what you teach your own children. As challenging as it might be, you need to spend some time thinking about what your parents taught you—and how you truly feel about some of those lessons.
ajournalofthejourney
ajournalofthejourney 