The 90/10 Principle (from John Gray in Mars and Venus in Touch)

“When we are upset, about 90 percent of the upset is related to our past and has nothing to do with what we think is upsetting us. Generally only about 10 percent of our upset is appropriate to the present experience.

When a man’s past comes up, he generally heads for his cave. He is overly sensitive at those times and needs a lot of acceptance. When a woman’s past comes up, her self-esteem crashes. She descends into the well of her feelings and needs tender loving care.”

So true. During those times, I learned to risk asking God the hard but honest questions. “Lord, why am I reacting like this?!” “Why am I feeling these feelings so strongly? “Why am I feeling so angry?” “Why am I so insecure right now?” Whatever the feeling I struggled with, especially in my 30’s and 40’s, when I sincerely asked God for insight, He always helped me to understand my real issues.

Most of the work was not a lot of fun–but I knew myself better as a result. Getting to know ourselves is important if we are going to learn to like ourselves more. It’s important to be able to see ourselves as lovable before we can let a husband/wife/other people love us. I don’t mean we always feel good toward ourselves, but there really does have to be a basic core sense of “I can be loved.” If we’re not there yet, then let’s head in that direction, asking God to help us love ourselves the way HE loves us. That is safe self-love.

By the way, I’ve not arrived…but I want to keep walking the healing path…